Your face is a jimmy john
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
