just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
