I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
