I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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