like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
