he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
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I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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