He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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