fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
