eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
high people should be assigned attendants
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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