I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
