At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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