nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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