Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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