Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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