I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
