Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So apparently I’m into choking now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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