So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
