I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
