why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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