Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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