Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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