I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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