i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
