And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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