mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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