It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
