Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Let's paint friendship bongs
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
