I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
