Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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