He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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