There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
