the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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