i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
