i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
