if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
