So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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