that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
