You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
