So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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