Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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