Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
