Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
