Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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