Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
