I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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