I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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