Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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