She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
