I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
