I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
