He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
