Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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