was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
