but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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