I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
