...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
