And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
