I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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