please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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