god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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