shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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