an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
