I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
